


You're the Culmination of Everything I've Never Had - A Kleinsen Fic

by TerraBubbles



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Alana Beck & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Canon Compliant, Character Development, College, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman Friendship, Eventual Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman, First Kiss, Gay Jared Kleinman, Insecure Jared Kleinman, Jared Kleinman Angst, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Jared Kleinman Needs Love, Jared Kleinman POV, Lesbian Alana Beck, M/M, Mutual Pining, Original Character(s), Pining Jared Kleinman, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-13
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:27:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25236919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerraBubbles/pseuds/TerraBubbles
Summary: We go waaaaaaaaay back-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ackTitles are from Letterman by the Gay Nineties, inspired by this animatic by kkamikazed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3I_J0P8i_0cAnyway. This is a Kleinsen slow burn from Jared's point of view. It's mostly about character development, and how Jared and Evan grow from angsty teens to functioning (wow!) adults together, not like in a "I'll fix you baybey" way but in a realistic, mature way.This fic was originally posted about a month ago, but I've edited it a ton and decided to repost it as a new work. It's the same premise, but I think that I've made Jared more in character and that it's fleshed out a bit more like I wanted it to be.I live for kudos and comments so like, please. I will die.I might add more tags as I go along, we'll see where it goes from here :)
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen/Jared Kleinman
Comments: 8
Kudos: 41





	1. We Go Way Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It starts off in Jared's second year of college working at the coffee shop down the road when Evan Hansen walks in and fucks up Jared's poor little heart.

"What can I get for you, sir?"

"Uhh, I'll get a caramel macchiato, please."

Jared Kleinman yelled the order back to his coworker before cashing out the customer and turning to the next with a forced smile.

This was a typical day for Jared; class, work, homework, sleep. It was the beginning of his second year in college, studying for computer science. A lot had changed for Jared since high school. He lived in a small apartment with his roommate, Jack, and worked at the coffee shop down the street in the afternoons he was free. It wasn’t  _ particularly _ enjoyable, but all things considered, everything was going pretty well for him.

Jared went through the typical grind like any other day, helping customers, making coffee. He liked it that way, it was a good pattern for him, and he had a decent time at his job. He wasn’t particularly friendly with anyone there, but he figured that was probably for the best in a work setting anyway. 

He had finally gotten through the afternoon rush and was getting ready to mop the lobby when he heard the side door ring. He sighed quietly and headed back to the counter, shouting, "Hello there, take your time and come up when you're ready!" 

He started wiping down the counters as he waited until he heard the customer behind him say, "Uhh. Hi." He thought he recognized the voice from somewhere, but didn't think anything of it; after all, he worked just off of his school campus. 

Jared turned around, and his breath hitched when he saw Evan Hansen standing in front of him. 

"J-Jared?" Evan asked in disbelief, "Jared Kleinman?" 

Jared gulped. His heart was in his throat, his temperature rising. "That's.. That's me."

"Um. Hello. You work here? Right?"

"Uh." Jared pointed to his uniform. "Yes, Hansen. I work here."

"Okay, um. I'm sorry. Can I get. Can I get an iced mocha? Please?"

Jared yelled back an iced mocha to his coworker.

"Anything else?" Jared said dryly, holding down his anger as best as he could, but it was clearly to no avail.

"No. Here, keep the change." Evan thrust a five dollar bill into Jared's hands and quickly escaped to the other side of the lobby. 

Jared gritted his teeth, stuffed the bill into the register, and turned back to the counter, wiping it down aggressively.

_ God fucking damn it. Of course he's here. Why wouldn't he be? Why wouldn't Evan fucking Hansen walk into my coffee shop as I turned my life around?  _

All of his emotions that he'd swallowed for the past two years were coming back up, and he was so angry. Why did he have to come back and remind Jared of the worst year of his life? Why did he have to come in and have the audacity to not even be upset with him? He's just the anxious nerd he always was.

"Here's the mocha, Jared." His coworker passed him Evan's drink, and Jared resisted the urge to throw it at the wall.

"Iced mocha for Evan!" Jared shouted. He made sure Evan, who had scrambled out of his seat, had heard before placing it down on the counter and turning away to retrieve the mop. 

"Jared?" He heard a hesitant voice behind him.

"What do you want, Evan?" He snapped, not bothering to turn around.

"I'm sorry. For.. for everything." 

When Jared finally got himself to turn around, Evan was already gone.

"Dude, what the hell was that about?" Jared's coworker asked.

"Nothing, it's none of your business," Jared hissed. "I'll be right back, I'm going to the bathroom. Cover me."

He looked hurt, but Jared didn't care. He tossed his hat and apron on the back desk and rushed to the bathroom. 

He stared in the mirror at himself, disheveled and fuming, running his hands through his hair in a desperate attempt to calm himself. Before he knew it, angry tears were pouring down his face. 

Jared had always been an angry crier, especially when it came to Evan. There were a lot of.. Complicated emotions surrounding his former friend that he never had the chance to get out, or even sort. He was never really able to decipher how he felt about Evan. The only thing he did know was that Evan was better off without Jared’s sorry ass weighing him down. So he cut him out, and instead of dealing with his feelings, he just let them stay bottled up in his brain, and pretended they didn’t exist. Because one day, they’d go away. Right?

He gritted his teeth, turning away from his miserable reflection and sinking to the floor, where he hugged his knees to his chest and buried his face into his legs.

_ Right. _

He stayed there for what felt like forever, until he could force himself to get up, and eventually emerged, to his coworker looking at him with concern.

"I was getting kinda worried, you were in there for like an hour."

"I'm really sorry, I didn't realize I was in there so long," Jared said quietly.

"It's okay, I held down your station. Are you, uh.. okay?"

Jared lied through his teeth. "Yeah, I’m.. I’m chill. All good."

The man raised an eyebrow, clearly in disbelief, to which Jared was forced to admit defeat. "He was my best friend in high school."

He raised his other eyebrow as well. "You cried in the bathroom for an hour over your best high school friend?"

Jared sighed deeply, looking down. 

“Sorry, that was.. overstepping.” The coworker said quietly.

Silence.

“But, um. Feel free to, y’know, talk to me. If you, uh, want.”

"Dude, you're just my coworker, I don't want to bother you with this shit, okay?”

Jared couldn’t help but notice that the other guy looked disappointed.

He sighed deeply. "Look, uh. I’m sorry. I’m being too hostile, and you’re clearly just.. Trying to help. I appreciate it. Maybe I'll take you up on it sometime, just… not today," Jared said.

"Oh.. sounds good." He smiled lightly.

Jared looked at him gratefully. "Thank you."

"Don't sweat it. You're almost off, I closed up your station for you so go home, alright?" 

Jared nodded. "Thanks, man."

The coworker acknowledged him with a nod and a smile before Jared began walking out the door with his bag and hoodie. He hesitated at the door, turning back. 

“Uh.. what’s your name? That’ll probably come in handy,” he said with a laugh.

The other man smiled. “It’s Riley. And you?”

“Jared.”

He waved and pushed open the door.

\--------------------------------------

A few minutes later, Jared opened his apartment's door with a small sigh and tossed his things on the couch. 

"Hey!" A voice piped up, shoving his things off. 

"Shit, sorry, man." 

“It’s chill. How was work?” Jack said, sitting up and pausing the TV.

Jared sighed loudly. “Shit. It was shit.” He plopped down on the couch beside Jack, looking around at their apartment. It was on the smaller side, but still enough room for a few people. They had a couch, of course, and also a loveseat and an armchair, which Jared’s mom had insisted he take when he moved out. They actually had turned out to be pretty handy, because Jared and Jack’s apartment was usually where their friend group hung out, due to the fair amount of seating; that’s not common, in college. The seats formed a half circle around the TV, which sat on a small, finicky stand and just barely had enough room for a Switch dock on the left, and a PS4 on the right. In the middle there was a small coffee table, which was currently littered with beer cans, old plates, and Jack’s bong.

“Do ya wanna talk about it?” Jack asked.

“No.”

“Fair.”

“Yeah.”

“Yep.”

Jack made clicking noises with his tongue before unpausing whatever he was watching on the TV. 

Jared sat there, staring at the wall for a few minutes.

Today was alright, he thought, until… until that. He thought of Evan, of the way he looked at him when he turned around, of the.. Softness in his eyes when he looked at him. 

_ Damn it. _

Jared went to bed without another word to Jack.

  
  


\--------------------------------------

  
  


He found himself unable to sleep well that night, due to thoughts of Evan showing up at his workplace, of course. His ocean like eyes, filled with a constant worry haunted him, cutting deep into his brain. He thought of how Evan had grown out his hair a tiny bit, just enough to consider it fluffy. And of how Evan’s lips were almost always slightly parted naturally, in focus on everything around him. How they actually.. Turned up a smidge at the sight of him. And how they looked incredibly soft.  _ No. _

His eyes opened abruptly to his mostly dark room, early morning light filtering through his curtained window onto the wall. His walls were plastered in nerdy posters that he’d gotten mostly from the local comic con, and on the wall across from his bed was his desk. He had a gaming PC that was typically giving off a fancy light show, but turned it off at night so he could sleep. The desk was littered with school notes and pencils from late night studying.

He finally decided to get up earlier than usual, because, well, it wasn’t like he had anything better to do anyway. He sat up groggily, grabbing at his end table to find his glasses and shoved them onto his face. Jared pushed his hands against the bed to help himself up before making his way leisurely down the hall. 

Jared sighed deeply, making his way into the kitchen, where he started a pot of coffee and began cooking a small meal. In about fifteen minutes he had himself a decent breakfast, which he admittedly had not had in a long time. For the rest of the morning that he had to himself, he just sipped at his coffee and scrolled through social media, and eventually headed to class.

His classes went smoothly, it was just a work day for the current assignment, so he could just hang out by himself in the library and listen to music, which was nice. Jared even had a chance to hang out with his friend Alana for a couple of hours before work. They had lunch at a nearby diner, and caught up.

“So, how did your break go?” Jared asked, just before taking a bite out of one of his chicken tenders.

“It actually went really well! I went to see some of my friends and family out of state, we had a blast!” She replied, with a big smile on her face. 

“That’s great to hear,” Jared said quietly.

“I missed you,” she said, nudging him gently with her hand. 

Jared looked up, trying to hide the shock that Alana had actually missed him on her break. “Oh.. well, of course you missed the insanely cool Jared Kleinman, Alana,” he quipped. 

Alana chuckled. “Yeah, I did miss your stupid ass jokes.”

He smiled nervously. “I, uh.. yours, too.”

She smiled back. “So, um. What about you? What did you do?”

“Ah, not much, really.. I got a new job at the coffee shop down the street, though, early on in the break. It’s actually pretty chill, I made a.. a friend, I think? He’s one of my coworkers.” Jared intentionally skipped Evan’s reappearance so Alana wouldn’t prod him.

“Oh? Tell me about him? Maybe we can meet up sometime.”

“His name’s Riley. He’s really.. Kind. We haven’t actually met up like, outside of work yet, but.. yeah.”

“That’s nice.” Alana looked happy, then her voice turned serious. “So, um…” Alana cleared her throat. “I heard Evan Hansen goes to our school now.”

Jared froze.  _ “What?” _

Alana swallowed. “Yeah.”

Jared sat in silence. His heart beat rose, he felt himself gritting his teeth again, and everything around him started getting blurry. Why was this happening? It was going so well, it was all going so well, and  _ now he’s here and he’s going to ruin it, and it’s all going to fall apart, and my mental health is going to decline again, and I’m going to isolate myself and I- _

“Jared?”

His vision cleared, and he saw Alana staring at him with concern.

Jared cleared his throat, and blinked the tears that were forming in his eyes away. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay?” Alana asked.

“Yeah. Yep,” he replied, voice cracking. “All good. I’m gonna go pay the bill.” Jared got up abruptly before Alana had time to protest and headed up to the counter. 

“Ah, all ready to go?” The employee asked. 

“Yep, here’s thirty. Keep the change.” Jared tossed it on the surface and walked briskly out of the restaurant as the tears rolled down his face.

His phone buzzed, but he ignored it. 

\--------------------------------------

Jared went to work as normal that evening. He was tense the entire time, watching the door, waiting in fear. He’s convinced that Evan’s going to come back in and ruin his day again, come in and give him that heart wrenching look again, and Jared will have to confront him and god damn it, he’s not ready. He doesn’t want to talk to Evan. He didn’t think he would have to talk to him again. He hoped he didn’t.

But Evan didn’t come.

Later that night, he arrived home, a weight lifted off of his shoulders that he didn’t even realize he was carrying when he walked through the door.

“Hey J, how’s it going?” Jack greeted from the kitchen.

“Once again, don’t call me that, asshole,” Jared said with a sigh, dropping his stuff on the floor by the door. “But it was fine.”

“That’s good. Going to bed like last night?” he questioned.

Jared felt a tinge of guilt. “Nah, but I need to go call Alana. I’ll talk to you in a bit?”

“Yeah, no problem, dinner’s on me tonight. I’ll let you know when it’s done.”

“Sweet. Thanks a lot, man.”

“Don’t sweat it.” Jack smiled up at him from the couch.

Jared headed into his room and opened up his phone reluctantly.

**From: Alana**

yo dude what happened im kinda worried abt u  
**2:45PM**

  
**From: Alana**

u can talk to me u kno that right

**6:30PM**

Jared pressed the call button and held the phone up to his ear with a depressed sigh.

Alana picked up after three rings. “Hey, Jared, how are you doing?”

“I’m okay,” Jared sighed. “Listen, I’m really sorry about leaving like that earlier. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Hey, I understand, dude. Are you okay, though? Like, you can talk to me, and stuff..”

He took a deep breath, knowing that he should, even if he didn’t feel like it. “Yeah, I just, um. He came into my work yesterday.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Is there.. Is there anything I can do to help?”

Jared chuckled quietly. “Come over and get wasted with me?”

She laughed along on the other end. “I don’t think that’s healthy for you right now, but I can come over.”

“Damn. Well, door’s open, Jack’s making food.”

“Nice. Be there in ten.” The phone clicked.

Jared opened his door and headed back down the hall. “Hey, Alana’s on her way over, I hope that’s okay?”

“Yeah, for sure,” Jack replied. “You doing alright?”

Jared sat on the couch. “Not really, man, but you don’t need to worry about it. Do you mind if I hook up the Switch?”

“..Go ahead.”

Jared grabbed his Switch out of his room and placed it into the dock. The TV lit up with the menu. 

“What are we playing?” Jack asked. 

“I’m in the mood for some Mario Kart,” Jared replied, opening up the game. He began setting up a versus game for 3, and then slumped on the couch, waiting.

After what felt like forever but was actually only ten minutes as promised, Alana knocked on the door.  
“Come in!” Jared yelled.

The door opened. “Hey! I brought you guys some soda. Oh, are we playing Mario Kart? Cool beans.”

\--------------------------------------

They spent the rest of the night yelling at the top of their lungs at each other for blue shells, rainbow road, and the like. Jared almost didn’t think about Evan and how his eyes still twinkled and how-  _ nope. _

“Alright, I’m gonna head out,” Alana yawned. “Got an early class tomorrow. Thanks for the food, guys.”

“No prob!” Jack said. “Have a good rest of your night.”

“See you tomorrow,” Jared said, giving Alana a pat on the shoulder. 

“See ya.” She smiled back at him before heading out, closing the door behind her.

“All right, I’m headed to bed. Night.” Jared started walking down the hall.

“‘Night!” He heard Jack call as he closed his door.

He sat down on his bed and ran his hands through his hair with a small, sad noise. He wished so badly that he didn’t feel like this. He wished so badly that he could just be angry at Evan, but.. He’s not just angry. He missed him, and he longed to be his friend again, and to see his wavy hair, and to look into his eyes that looked like a sky of stars… and to tell him that he’s sorry too.

Jared’s eyebrows furrowed, and he crawled under the covers. No, because he’s still fucking angry, and because if he apologized, Evan would want to be friends again and he doesn’t want that, because he doesn’t deserve Evan. He’s always been too good for him in every way, especially now, because.. 

His throat tightened.  _ I really haven't grown up at all. I’m the same bitter asshole I’ve always been towards Evan, and Evan doesn’t deserve that. _

_ Evan doesn’t.. deserve that.  _

Jared fell asleep.


	2. I've Seen Your Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys apologize to each other. It's sweet and sad. They cry, and then have some playful, platonic shenanigans at the park. 
> 
> The song in the car is Ghosting by Mother Mother

The next day, Jared had a lecture with Alana, and Jared found himself unable to pay any attention, eventually resorting to looking at memes. 

“Psst, Alana,” he hissed.

She glared at him out of the corner of her eye, not wanting to be associated with his nonsense. 

He handed her his phone, which was opened to a distorted picture of a frog with the text ‘ Guys Frogs only want one thing and it’s fucking  disgusting lilypads’. Alana burst out laughing, trying and failing to cover it up with her hand as Jared snickered, taking his phone back. 

The professor glared at them, but Jared could not be stopped. 

At the end of class, the pair left the class laughing and turned to see Evan Hansen at the end of the hallway, looking lost. Jared stopped in his tracks, grabbing Alana’s sleeve, turning and quickly walking the other way. 

“Jared,” Alana said. Jared walked faster, releasing her sleeve, but Alana still trailed behind him. “Jared, come back. We’re far enough, okay?”

He slowed to a stop. 

“Look, I know you’re upset. But he goes to this school now, and that coffee shop, and this town. It’s small. Look, we.. and especially you.. Have to talk to him if we want things to get better.”

“No,” he snapped, “ _ I _ don’t, and  _ I _ won’t.”

“Jared,” Alana started softly, a hint of sadness and sympathy in her voice, but was interrupted by Evan walking slowly around the corner. 

“J-Jared?” He called hesitantly. “Can we t-”

Jared’s hands curled into tight fists, his nails digging into his skin. “Why can’t you just FUCK OFF!?!?” Jared shouted. He whipped around. “What do you WANT, EVAN?? Do you want to ruin my fucking life again!? The one..” His voice cracked. “The one I worked so hard to put together without you in it?” Tears poured down Jared’s face. “Do you know how fucking hard it was, Evan? No, you don’t. YOU couldn’t even be bothered to give a shit about me, your ‘BEST FAMILY FRIEND’,” he shouted, doing air quotes with his fingers. “Well, you were MY BEST FRIEND, and I..I..” Jared stuttered at the look of shock on both Evan and Alana’s faces, and the tears streaking down Evan’s cheeks.

Jared ran.

\--------------------------------------

Jared spent the next two weeks practicing avoidance, but it wasn't hard because Evan finally left him alone. He'd see him in the hall, and Evan would be the one to turn around. He didn't come to the coffee shop.

At first, Jared was filled with relief, but it wasn’t more than a week before guilt started to creep up on him. He couldn’t stop thinking about how whenever he saw Evan for brief moments he just looked sad, and full of regret. 

Why couldn’t he be angry too? It would just.. Be so much better that way. But he wasn’t. Kid didn’t have it in him, he guessed.

Jared kept thinking of how immature it was for him to keep acting this way, when Evan probably just wanted to have a civil talk.  _ God, I’m such a dick, _ he thought to himself.  _ And now he's like, scared of me. Fuck. _

But Jared couldn’t give in. He just couldn’t. 

\--------------------------------------

“Hey, Jared?” Alana asked quietly.

He looked up from his textbook in response, raising an eyebrow. 

“I, um.. I talked to Evan.”

Jared sighed. “That’s nice,  _ sweetie _ , but if you’re going to try to convince me to even say a word to him, just drop it now.”

She looked down. “He’s really sorry.” 

“I know.”

Silence. 

“...aren’t you?”

Jared’s breath hitched, and anger rose in his chest.

“About  _ what?”  _ He asked defensively.

Alana took a deep breath. “Jared.. You.. you weren’t the best person back then, you know.”

He gritted his teeth. 

“Yeah, neither was he. He only called me to ask for advice about his stupid lie, he never liked me, just like I didn’t like him,” Jared insisted. “It’s over. He  _ hates  _ me.”

“No he doesn’t,” Alana said softly. “He didn’t tell anyone that you helped him. Why would he have done that?”

“Because he’s an idiot,” Jared retorted.

“Because he cared about you,” she corrected. “He cared about you, and he wanted your friendship, your support, and all you did was push him away for your own selfish reasons.” 

“Bullshit,” he hissed.

“And have you ever stopped to think about why you kept his secret in the first place? Why  _ you _ tried so hard to help?” Alana continued, ignoring Jared.

“Because I wanted him to like me, because I  _ loved him!”  _ He shouted, slamming his fist on the table. 

He woke up in a cold sweat, staring at his bedroom ceiling. 

\--------------------------------------

  
  


**To Alana:**

hey lana any chance u kno what class evan is in rn?

**Seen 4PM**

**From Alana:**

lmao y would I know evans schedule jared

**4:01PM**

**To Alana:**

idk can u just like. ask around plz. U have lots of friends dont you

**Seen 4:02PM**

Jared sighed and put on some music while he waited for a response. 

**From Alana:**

he's in crindal's until 5

**4:15PM**

**To Alana:**

ur literally the best thank u

**Seen 4:15PM**

**From Alana:**

good luck

**4:16PM**

Jared put his phone in his pocket, took a deep breath, and grabbed his keys.

He arrived at the school at 4:45 and waited just down the hall from Crindal's classroom until Evan got out. He would never admit it, but he was so anxious that his palms were sweating, and he tapped his feet in anticipation, checking the time frequently.

At 5PM on the dot, Evan left the classroom head down, in a hurry, almost bumping into Jared.

"Hey, hey, Hansen!" Jared raised his voice, holding out his hands to avoid a collision.

"Ah!” Evan cried. He looked up with anxiety burning in his eyes. “I'm s-so sorry, I'll get out of your way-" He started.

"No, no, um.. I was.. Actually wondering if we could.. talk." Jared interrupted.

"I- oh. Um.” Jared swallowed, trying to ignore his dwindling confidence. “Right now?” 

"Are you, uh, are you free right now?" Jared asked hesitantly.

"Um, yeah, I guess I am.."

"Great, um.. Do you wanna come with me and I can, uh, drive us somewhere?"

“Okay, I guess.”

"Come on then," Jared replied, turning to the school’s door and holding it open, and trying to hide his anxiety. Evan followed. 

Jared silently led Evan to his car and got into the driver's seat while Evan hesitated outside.  _ What's wrong? _ Jared wondered.  _ Wait.. oh.  _

"You can get in the front, Evan," he laughed quietly. 

Evan quickly got into the front seat. "S-sorry." He let out a little laugh, and Jared was ashamed to admit to himself that his heart fluttered. He started the car and began to pull out of the school's parking lot.

"Jared," Evan started, "you know that you, you don't have to talk to me, right? Like, it's okay, if you don't want to, if that ship has sailed, I understand.." He trailed off.

Jared swallowed. "Look, Evan, I haven’t fucking grown at all, and that needs to change, so here I am."

Evan's brain was clearly whirring, and his expression turned from discomfort, to surprise, to.. Softness.

"So, I was thinking the park? I thought it might, like, help relax you a little bit.." Jared said quietly. 

"That's.. Nice. Thank you, Jared."

Jared turned quickly so Evan couldn't see his embarrassment. "Don't mention it."

Soon enough, Jared pulled into the park's parking lot and got out, gesturing for Evan to follow. They silently found a bench, and sat down, Evan looking at the ground and Jared looking at Evan. His hair was shining brightly in the sun, it was like his whole body was glowing as he sat in the light, but his face was creased with worry. 

"Okay, so first, uh.." Jared looked away, clearing his throat. “I'm.. Okay. I'm really, really sorry, Evan. I'm sorry for blowing up in the hall, I'm sorry for being so cold, I'm sorry for-" Jared's breath caught. "Everything. Fuck. Damn it, I'm sorry," his voice cracked, and he fought back tears with all his might. "I'm sorry for getting mad at you for being busy with the project, I'm sorry I told you to lie to the Murphys, and most of all, I'm sorry for treating you like garbage, I'm sorry that I was.. Such a bad person, a bad friend. I'm sorry I made you think I hated you. You were my best friend and I should have been able to, to tell you that-"  _ that I loved you.  _ Jared inhaled sharply at the intrusive thought, trying to clear his mind, because love confessions were sure as hell not what was needed right now; or ever, really. "How much you mean to me, I'm.. I'm so sorry, and I want to be better, and that's why I'm sitting here with you, because I still care about you and I want to be a better person, I.. I need to be.” Jared took a deep breath, looking at Evan nervously out of the corner of his eye.

Evan was just sitting there, mouth slightly agape and lightly shaking, and it took him a second to realize he needed to respond. "J-Jared.." He choked out, tears falling.

He turned to Evan silently, waiting anxiously, and searching Evan’s face for any sign of rejection, but.. To his surprise, there wasn’t any.

"O-okay,” Evan inhaled sharply before slipping into a ramble, “I-I'm sorry, Jared, I'm so so so sorry. I shouldn't have done any of the things I did, I was.. I was a really stupid kid, and it was so wrong, everything I did was so, so wrong, and I shouldn't have dragged you into it, and I mean, you told me to lie but I didn’t have to listen, ultimately, I’m the one that, that made the decision, that dragged it out so long, that kept lying for.. For my own benefit. And I shouldn't have treated you so badly, and you were my best friend too, Jared, I-I want you to know that, and I'm sorry I took, I took you for granted. I missed you so much, I just, I guess I figured you hated me anyway and I'm really sorry for assuming that, and I..” He swallowed. “Shouldn't have lied. Not only to them, but.. To you, too, I.. I should have.. I should have trusted you, and.. I.." 

“I knew,” Jared responded quietly. He knew exactly what he was talking about, and his mind flashed back to that letter, the one that Alana posted everywhere, the one that made him realize.. That Evan had needed help the whole time, and by the time he knew, it was too late. And Jared cried, he cried the same tears he had cried that night, and he let it all out, because he just couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“I knew as soon as I read it. I’m.. I’m so sorry, Evan, it was so horrible, I should have reached out more, I should have let you talk to me. You were never just a family friend, I never used you for car insurance, I don’t know why I said that, fuck, my mom didn’t even  _ pay _ my God damn insurance, I did! It was so  _ fucked _ , and-”

Evan started bawling, rocking himself back and forth, and Jared started to stress out. "Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, Evan, I-”

"No, no," Evan interrupted and pulled Jared into a tight hug. "It's.. J-Jared, it wasn’t even your fault," he continued to sob. "Yeah, I thought you hated me, but that’s not like,  _ the _ reason I tried to kill myself, there was, there was so much going on, so please, don’t blame yourself for my.. S-suicide attempt," he cried out, voice cracking. “It.. it wasn’t.. It wasn’t you..”

“Even if it wasn’t, I didn’t.. I wasn’t there for you, Ev, you were struggling and I-I didn’t even know, I should have known, I mean, I fucking, how did I  _ not _ know??”

“Because I didn’t tell you,” Evan said gently.

“Yeah, but I know the signs, or I should have seen the signs you were giving, of when someone is that depressed, you need to catch on, and be there for them, and I just wasn’t, I never was. I knew you had depression, I knew from the second  _ I  _ was diagnosed that you were struggling with it too, but I just pushed you away, I..”

Evan looked at Jared, shocked, tears rolling silently down his cheeks. “You.. were depressed, too?”

“I..” Jared started, but couldn’t bring himself to continue. He just let out a sob, and sank himself into Evan’s shoulder, wrapping his arms around him tightly.

_ I’m sorry. _

They continued to sit like that. They stayed, embracing each other in silent comfort. Their tears dried as time passed by, as they each accepted the silent consolation from each other; ‘It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay.’

\--------------------------------------

Eventually, Jared sat up and released Evan from his arms, wiping the remaining wetness from his face. He looked up and met Evan’s gaze, and he wished he knew what he was thinking behind those oceans of his. 

He cleared his throat and looked down at their feet.

“Let’s.. let’s go for that walk now? You up for it?” Jared asked quietly.

“I’d like that,” Evan murmured. 

He slowly stood up, holding out his hand for Evan to use to steady himself. Evan gladly took Jared’s hand and pulled himself up to stand next to him.

“There’s.. a lake that way,” Jared said, releasing Evan’s hand and pointing. “Sound good?”

“Yeah.”

They began walking towards the lake, side by side, silent. The nervous tension between them was still there, and Evan looked at the ground, fidgeting with his fingers. Jared started the walk looking around at the park, but couldn’t help himself looking at Evan. He felt a weight on him, on both of them, and it hurt so much, but.. It was healthy. They were working through their struggles, it was no longer kept tightly squeezed into a bottle that they locked away. He noticed how Evan was playing with his hair, pushing it out of his face, and Jared couldn’t stop himself from staring, which he quickly regretted when Evan turned and met his gaze, blushing at the eye contact. “What?”

“I- nothing. Sorry.” Jared stuttered, looking away.

“Well, now you’re w-worrying me..” Evan mumbled. 

“Sorry, I just, it’s, uh.. It’s nice. That you’re here, that’s all.”

Evan blushed harder. “It is.. nice.”

Jared cleared his throat. “I.. I missed you, Ev. I really missed you.”

“I missed you too, Jare.” Jared’s eyes widened as his face turned red, covering his face in a futile attempt to hide it. He glanced at Evan to see him returning a small grin. “Awww, J, l-look at that..” 

“You asshole,” Jared mumbled into his hand. “You’re the only one I’d ever let call me those and you weaponize them.” Jared lightly pushed his side into Evan playfully.

“You’re the only one I’d let call me nicknames too, so I feel like it’s only fair.” Evan returned the push.

“Hey, look, it’s the laa-aaake,” Jared shouted in a sing-songy voice before he could think too deeply into what Evan just said to him. He grinned at Evan. “Race you?”

Evan didn’t respond, his mouth just curled up into a smile before he took off into a sprint.

“Wha-hey!” Jared cried, running after him. “You prick!”

Evan laughed. 

Evan, of course, won, launching himself into the grass by the lake and sprawling on his back. “You’re slow,” he yawned at Jared when he arrived.

“Yeah, you cheated,” Jared responded, sitting down next to Evan.

“Even if I didn’t, I would have won, s-so does it really matter?” Evan laughed.

“Uh, yeah, cause you don’t know that, you dork.”

He groaned. “Fine, then do you want to  _ race back _ so it will be  _ fair _ , since you’re being such a bitch about it?” Evan mocked.

“I’m not being a bitc-”

“Okay, bitch.”

“Woooooooooow.” Jared flopped onto his back. “Real mature,  _ Hansen _ .”

“D-did I ever say I was mature,  _ Kleinman _ ?” 

“No, I suppose not,” Jared chuckled lightly, looking up into the sky. “Hey, that cloud kinda looks like a dick.”

Evan snorted. “I’m sorry,  _ who’s  _ immature?”

“You, stupid.”

“Oookay,” he scoffed.

They stayed in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, looking up at the clouds.

“Hey, Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“Are.. are we.. going to be..” He trailed off hesitantly.

“Are we going to be what?”

“..Friends.. again.”

Jared smiled and looked at Evan, his expression soft. “Um.. well, I certainly hope so.”

Evan grinned. “Really?”

Jared chuckled. “Yeah, uh.. I think it needs a little work, but.. Hey, what doesn’t, you know?” He replied, nudging him playfully. “What did you think, Ev, that I was still hanging out with you today out of obligation or something?”

Evan hummed with a small laugh, turning his head to look at Jared. “I mean, yeah, kind of, I didn’t know what to expect! I just wanted to make sure we’re on the, the same page.”

“I know, I was just fuckin’ around. I.. do.. Want to be friends again.”

“Good. Me too.”

Jared smiled, genuinely. 

“And, um.. If you don’t.. Don’t mind me asking.. Are you.. Okay now?”

Jared turned to him, his gaze turned serious. “I mean, I still have depression, but.. I’d like to think I’m doing better.”

Evan nodded, smiling in relief.

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

Jared rolled over a bit and gave Evan a big hug, face planting into Evan’s side. Evan startled, before hugging Jared back, tightly. “You’re a dork,” he mumbled to Jared.

“Rude,” Jared grumbled into Evan’s shirt.

“So,” Evan piped up, “is this the new and improved, Jared Kleinman 2.0?”

He glanced up at Evan quizzically.

“Well, I meant because you.. you never used to hug me.”

Jared’s face turned red, and promptly buried his face back into Evan’s shirt.

“I-I mean,” Evan continued, “It’s nice, you know? I’ve always been one for platonic affection, but you, you definitely weren’t. I’m not meaning to, to embarrass you or anything, but it’s nice that you’re.. opening up to it.”

_ Yeah, for you,  _ Jared mumbled incoherently.

“People should.. Should be able to hug their friends, and.. And stuff, you know?”

Jared murmured incomprehensibly, again, but he didn’t know what he meant to say this time.

“Jared, you dumbass, I can’t hear you.” 

Jared ever so slightly raised his head. “Mhrrg. I’m just.. mumbling..”

Evan laughed softly. 

They continued to sit like that, Jared still face planted into Evan, Evan’s eyes closed blissfully. Before long, they both had passed out.

\--------------------------------------

Jared stirred to unfamiliar darkness. He jolted up to see the lake, and oh God, how long had he been here, oh no, and.. Evan. He was napping in the park with Evan. His face softened and he forgot about his worry. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, his hair was a mess, and his face was so soft and simultaneously perfectly angled, and his hands were curled where Jared just was. He was.. Adorable. Evan was adorable. 

He stayed there admiring Evan before he realized that they should probably get out of here and go home. He actually had no idea what time it was, so he took his phone out. 9PM.. Could have been worse. He noticed a couple of texts from Alana, so he opened it up to look.

**From Alana:**

hey howd it go?

**7PM**

**From Alana:**

everything okay?

**8:45PM**

He smiled lightly.

**To Alana:**

everything’s great. we talked all day and accidentally passed out at the park lol

**9:01PM**

**To Alana:**

that sounds rly gay actually now that i think abt it but it wasnt i swear

**9:01PM**

  
  


He put his phone back in his pocket, and lightly ruffled Evan’s hair. “Hey, Ev, we should prolly go.”

Evan grumbled before opening his eyes, and shooting up in fear. “Who, who.. Wait.. Jared.” He smiled tiredly. “Jare.. Shit. What time is it?”

Jared smiled widely at how cute Evan was, holy  _ shit _ . “9, coulda been worse, right?

“Yeah,” Evan yawned. “Let’s get outta here.” 

Jared stood and once again extended his hand to Evan, which Evan took and stood himself up, but.. He gripped both of his hands tightly around Jared’s and happily smiled at him. 

Jared just about died and squeezed back with a flustered chuckle, before letting his hand flop to his side. “Let’s go.”

They walked back to Jared’s car, close enough that their shoulders touched, but neither minded. 

Jared hopped into the driver’s seat, Evan in passenger. “So, where am I going?” Jared asked, starting up the car. 

Evan gave him his address. Jared put his aux cord into his phone, started his playlist, and pulled out of the parking lot. 

“Oh, shit,” Jared said in response to the song, with a laugh. “This was fitting for a week ago.”

_ “I’ve been ghosting, I’ve been ghosting along _

_ Ghost in your house, ghost in your arms _

_ When you’re tossing, when you turn in your sleep _

_ It’s because I’m ghosting your dreams” _

Evan smiled awkwardly.

_ “And this is why I have decided _

_ To pull these old white sheets from my head _

_ I’ll leave them folded neat and tidy _

_ So that you’ll know I’m out of hiding, yeah” _

The song continued to play, and when the bridge came neither of them thought, they just started yelling,

“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY, would it be so bad if I  _ staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayed _

I’M JUST A GHOST OUT OF HIS  _ GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE _

_ And I can’t make love in my graaaaaaaaaaaaaaave _

_ I wON’T PUT WHITE INTO YOUR  _ **_HAAAAAAAAAAAAAIR_ **

_ I wON’T MAKE NOISES IN YOUR _ **_STAAAAAAAAAAAAIRS_ **

_ I wILL BE KIND AND I’LL BE  _ **_SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET_ **

**_IF YOU’LL STOP STARING STRAIGHT THROUGH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..”_ **

They both started laughing, before continuing the song and Evan even started  _ harmonizing _ loudly. God, he missed this. 

**“YOU DON’T NEED** **_TREATS_ ** **AND YOU DON’T NEED** **_TRICKS_ **

**YA DON’T NEED** **_TREATS_ ** **, YA DON’T NEED** **_TRICKS_ **

**YA DON’T NEED NO HALLOWEEN**

**YA DON’T NEED** **_TREATS_ ** **, YA DON’T NEED** **_TRICKS_ ** **, YA DON’T NEED** **_TREATS_ **

**YA DON’T NEED NO HALLOWS EVE**

**YA DON’T NEED** **_TREATS_ ** **, YA DON’T NEED** **_TRICKS_ **

_ And ya don’t need _

_ meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” _

Evan started cackling, out of breath. “That was fun. Also, you’re, you’re right, about that being last week’s vibe..”

“Yeah,” Jared sighed, catching his breath. He laughed quietly again.

Soon, they pulled into the parking lot of Evan’s apartment building.

“Hey, so, I’ll see you soon?” Jared asked. 

“Definitely,” Evan smiled. “O-oh, shit, let me give you my number.”

Jared pulled out his phone, and went to pull up the contact called 'Bastard', but decided against it, and made a new one called 'Evan' before handing it over.

Evan put in his number and pressed save before getting an error from the phone. 

“Wait, it says you.. Have my number? Under.. ‘Bastard’?” Evan looked up at Jared quizzically. 

_ Fuck.  _ “Yeah, I guess I did..” Jared said, embarrassed. “I should, uh. I should definitely change that.”

“Yeah,” Evan laughed quietly and handed the phone back. “Well, it’s the same number, so j-just use ‘Bastard’.”

“Okay, I will.” Jared was still very much flustered.

“If it makes you feel better.. I n-never deleted yours, either.”

Jared looked over at Evan, surprised, and smiled softly.

“All right, get out of here, you dork.” 

“Okay.” Evan hopped out of the car and waved. “See you later, Jaaare!”

Jared smiled back. “See ya, Ev.”

Evan went inside, and Jared smacked his face into the steering wheel in embarrassment, causing the car to honk. Evan peeked out of the door, puzzled. 

“Accident!” Jared yelled before pulling out of the lot at the speed of sound.

As soon as he was out of earshot and eyesight, he pulled over and screamed at the top of his lungs, “Agh, tHAT WAS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSING!!!!” Then he started wheezing in laughter. “I.. holy shit. What a day.” He took a deep breath, turned his playlist back on, and went home with a cheerful grin sitting on his face.


	3. Hard To Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared is a gay disaster and doesn't know how to deal with emotions. That's the summary  
> The plants are a reference to the Icarus and the Sun comic by Gabriel Picolo

Jared woke up the next day feeling.. lighter. He rolled over in bed and checked his phone.

**From Alana:**

wow that does sound pretty gay. so you made up?

**10PM**

**From Bastard:**

hey j is it still this one? 

**7AM**

Jared chuckled at the contact name one last time before changing it back to its true form.

**To Ev:**

yep :) gm!

**10:30AM**

**To Alana:**

Sort of? were friends again tho. i honestly cant believe it but im rly glad

**10:30AM**

  
  


Jared sighed happily, and rolled into a sitting position. He then tossed on a pair of pajama pants and a tank top before walking out into the front room.

“Hey, good morning. Coffee?” Jack asked from the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Jared yawned. “Yes, please. You’re a saint.”

Jack poured him a mug of coffee, and Jared added sugar and cream until he was satisfied. “Thanks, man.”

“You’re welcome. How was your day yesterday? I think I was out when you got home.”

“It went really well. I met up with an old friend.”

“Oh?” Jack’s eyebrow raised. “You had old friends?”

“Shut up,” Jared laughed. “He was my best friend in high school. It was really fun, actually.”

“I’m really glad you had a nice night. You seemed pretty down the last few weeks, it’s a nice change.”

Jared smiled gratefully. “Thanks. How was your night?”

“It was okay, I went on a nice date with this girl in my class.”

Jared winked suggestively, and Jack laughed.

“Anyway, I gotta get to work,” he said, slurping the last of his coffee. “I’ll see you later?” 

“Uh, yeah, probably. Catch you later!” 

Jack waved as he went out the door.

Jared plopped on the couch and checked his texts.

**From Ev:**

u doing anything today?

**10:50AM**

**To Ev:**

nah, why

**Seen 10:52AM**

**From Ev:**

wanna hang out?

**10:53AM**

**From Ev:**

uwu

**10:53AM**

Jared snorted.

**To Ev:**

not anymore i dont, furry >:(

**Seen 10:54AM**

**From Ev:**

wow im being bullied for uwuing :(

**10:54AM**

**To Ev:**

$500 penalty

**Seen 10:55AM**

**From Ev:**

five hundwed dowwar penawty uwu

**10:56AM**

**To Ev:**

oh my god ahsdgkjsdghjsd

**Seen 10:57AM**

**To Ev:**

do u drive

**Seen 10:57AM**

**From Ev:**

no but i can like walk or something, why

**10:58AM**

**To Ev:**

of course u dont, u dumb bitch   
ill be there in ten

**Seen 10:59AM**

**From Ev:**

hey don’t bully me its nerve wracking :(

**11AM**

**From Ev:**

o shit ok i might not be ready tho

**11AM**

**To Acorn:**

well get ready

**Seen 11AM**

Jared went out the door.

Ten minutes later, Jared pulled into Evan’s parking lot. He hopped out of the car and locked it, then went up the steps and knocked on Evan’s door. 

"C-coming!" He heard Evan yell through the door. The door opened, and there was Evan, a shirt draped around his shoulders, and a towel wrapped around his waist. "Hey," he said breathlessly, "S-sorry I'm not dressed, you knocked before I could.."  _ Oh shit, oh fuck, oh fuck me, oh no, he’s hot, holy shit oh my God- _

Jared was blushing madly at this point, he couldn't even hide it. "U-uh, I could, uh, go wait in the car, if you need.."  _ Please, have  _ MERCY.

"N-no, come in!" Evan stood to the side, holding the door open, and Jared cursed to himself before nervously stepping inside.

"Feel free to sit wherever you'd like and I'll be right back!" Evan said cheerfully before heading into his room.  _ Even though the only seat in here is a couch?  _ Jared thought in amusement as he sat down on said couch. 

Jared sat for a few minutes trying desperately to take his mind off of Evan, looking around at his apartment. Like he had said before, the couch was the only seating, and it sat in front of a small TV stood on a shelving unit placed sideways on the floor. There was a small, tidy end table on one end of the couch. On the walls, there were several small shelves lined with plants of many kinds, and they were.. Labelled? 

Before he could look closer, Evan returned in a striped blue and white t-shirt, covered by an unbuttoned blue flannel, and black skinny jeans. "H-how do you like my Jared Kleinman cosplay?" Evan said teasingly, sitting next to Jared on the couch. 

_ Oh, my God. Holy shi-  _ "The blue is more your thing, so I rate 5/10," Jared replied, his voice hitching, trying not to show how his attraction to Evan was through the roof. 

Evan pouted. "I'll have to go red next time."

"Well, what do you wanna do today?" Jared asked.

"Hmm, I thought you had a plan, honestly."

"It's your turn to have a plan," Jared yawned.

Evan thought to himself for a moment. "Hmm.. Th-there's an arcade nearby?"

Jared laughed. " _ You  _ want to go to the  _ arcade?" _

Evan frowned. "What's wrong with the arcade?"

"Well, there's typically lots of people there and you have to stand around lots of people and talk to them and wait for games and all that.."

"You haven’t seen me for like, two years, I can handle it better than I could.. Back then.." Evan insisted in a mumble.

Jared smiled. “Okay, I’m down then.”

“Let’s go, then!” Evan hopped up and held out his hand for Jared. He took it with a smile and Evan pulled him in for a hug. 

“Wh-that-that’s gay…” Jared mumbled.

“Weeelll, is it, thooough?” Evan replied. “I don’t think it’s gay. If anything, it’s b-bi, because I’m.. bi..” 

For a moment, Jared couldn’t stop that sentence from pulling intensely on his heart strings, but he quickly shot it down, because  _ come  _ on  _ Jared, I’m sure he has standards.  _ “Oh shit, I didn’t know you were bi? Liking guys squad!”

“Hell yeah!” Evan pulled away and walked to the door, holding it open with an excited grin. “Let’s go!”

Jared followed and hopped into the driver’s seat of his car, while Evan went to the other side. “Can I have the aux this time?” he asked.

“Yeah, no problem.” Jared handed it over, and Evan plugged it into his phone. 

Jared spent the next few minutes of the car ride listening silently to Evan’s music, taking it in. He occasionally stole glances at Evan, who was quietly singing along, presumably out of embarrassment that Jared would hear.

“Don’t be nervous about singing. You.. you have a nice voice,” he murmured, almost too quietly for Evan to hear. 

Evan got flustered, blushing madly. “I-I-d-don-hhhhHHHHHHHHHHHH.”

Jared started laughing hysterically. “Was that even English? Oh my God, you’re just as cute as a frickin’ button.” He flushed a bright shade of red.

“I-n. No you..” Evan mumbled. Awkward silence ensued.

Jared cleared his throat, still red, trying desperately to think of something to change the subject. “So, uh, what are you studying for?”

“E-environmental science,” Evan blurted out, louder than necessary.

“I really should have seen that coming, tree boy,” Jared chuckled quietly. 

Evan laughed nervously. “Yeah, I guess so. How about you?”

“Computer science,” Jared replied. 

“O-oh yeah? That’s really neat..” 

“Yeah, I’ve been interested in it for, for a while..”

“Nice.”

“Yeah.”

Both of them thanked the heavens as Jared pulled into the parking lot of the arcade. “All riiiiight, ready to rumble?” Jared asked awkwardly.

“Y-yeah!” Evan stammered, quickly unbuckling and getting out of the car. The two of them walked in the door exchanging anxious smiles. 

  
  


\--------------------------------------

  
  
  


Jared and Evan walked into the arcade to see it was fairly packed. They went up to the counter side by side, and Jared asked for his own tokens as Evan’s nerves obviously started acting up. Jared glanced over and thought he was probably reciting the whole interaction with the cashier in his head. He quickly turned back to the cashier. “Uh, make that two bags, actually, please.” 

“I-n-wait,” Evan stuttered. 

“Shh,” Jared replied reassuringly. He quickly paid for the bags, grabbed Evan’s arm, and led him through the crowd of people, looking around at the arcade. There were tons of games arranged into circles in the middle of the floor, or lined along the wall. There were several old games, but also a lot that Jared didn’t really recognize, and he also noticed that there were some expensive virtual reality machines, which sounded neat. On the far side of the arcade there was a bar, and a few televisions. “Come on, pick a game you’d like to play.”

“Um… Pac-man? Over there?” Evan pointed. 

“Ooh, the big one, yeah. Hurry, those people are about to leave.” He released Evan’s arm to gesture for him to follow, and Evan impulsively grabbed Jared’s wrist instead. “Heh.” Jared mumbled, flustered, but he didn’t protest.

“I’m gonna be red,” Jared declared when they got to the machine. It was four giant joysticks in front of a big monitor. “You’ll be blue?”

“Yeah!” Evan put a coin into his joystick, and Jared followed suit. It was a battle royale of sorts, Jared and Evan would have to race to eat stuff up to grow larger, like a normal Pac-man game, but then they would have to turn and eat each other to win the round. Since it was just the two of them, though, it was just a back and forth chase until one of them messed up, but it was a blast anyway. 

Eventually, Evan won with a huge grin on his face, sticking his tongue out at Jared in victory, and Jared decided that was way better than winning would have been. 

"Okay, okay, I'm a loser, but I think you're a dork for winning anyway," Jared laughed. "My turn."

He dragged Evan towards Galaga. "I bet you if we both play, you won't be able to beat my score," Jared said, raising his eyebrow.

"I-is that a challenge, Kleinman?"

"Hell yeah it is, have you SEEN me play Galaga? You can call me the Insanely  _ Skilled  _ Jared Kleinman."

Evan snorted. “Okay, show me your ‘gAlAgA sKiLlS’ then.”

Jared put a coin into the machine and started the game, kind of nervous to see if he actually  _ was  _ still good at Galaga.

He remembered how to play, and started off relatively well, but soon became increasingly aware of how Evan was hovering over him excitedly as his score continued to go up. He was, like, almost leaning on Jared, and he could even feel his breath on his skin which, of course, gave Jared goosebumps, and flushed his skin red. And  _ fuck, _ he couldn’t stop imagining Evan kissing his neck and his cheek and holding him with his hands in his hair and-

“What happened?” Evan asked, concerned. “You were doing so well..”

“I, uh. Um. I don’t know, man, but, you try and uh, beat that score, that was the deal.” Jared sighed, then forced a laugh, trying to cover up his frustration. He moved out of the way of the machine and gestured for Evan to take his place.

“Okay.” He put in a coin and began playing, while Jared hovered over his shoulder instead.  _ Wow, he’s doing really good, _ Jared thought. He took his eyes off of the screen to look at Evan’s concentrated expression. His eyebrows were furrowed, and his eyes darted across the screen. His mouth was slightly parted, and his lips looked so soft. All of him did, and Jared just wanted to feel his skin, and his hair, and his lips on his own.  _ Hoooly fuck. _

“Jared, did you hear me?” Jared jumped at Evan’s raised voice.

“Sorry, what? It’s uh, it’s really loud in here.”

Evan smiled with a laugh, turning to face him. “I-I said I beat your score. So what do I win for beating the Insanely Skilled Jared Kleinman?” He teased. 

“W-we’ll have to see when we get to the prize counter, maybe I’ll buy you a stuffed animal or something,” Jared responded dryly, turning away.

Evan grinned, snickering. “I guess I’ll wait ‘till then.”

They continued walking around to different games, laughing together as Jared fought his internal battle. He felt really awful about the thoughts he was having, and for good reason; he had literally just apologized to Evan and all of a sudden he assumed he had the right to think of him in  _ this  _ way? It was ridiculous.

They were bickering over which one of them would play the next game first when Jared felt rough pressure into his side, and his thoughts were going a million miles a second because Evan was holding him up, Evan was holding him, in his arms, and Evan was looking down at him with concern and surprise, and he was so close, and his lips were right there and all he wanted to do was press his lips to his and sink into his embrace, and oh God, he was staring, how long had he been staring, Evan was yelling-

“What the fuck, dude!?” 

And Jared snapped back into reality, turning his head to see some douchebag with a now-empty, dripping cup, and wait. Jared’s clothes were dripping in.. what? Soda? 

He became suddenly aware of the situation and shoved Evan roughly away, catching a glance of the brief hurt on his face.

The stranger opened his mouth and let out a half-assed apology. “Shit, sorry.”

Evan put a gentle hand on his shoulder before Jared had a chance to go off, and leaned down close to his ear. “Come on, Jare.”

Jared shivered at the closeness and pushed the stranger out of the way with his shoulder, making a beeline to the door.

“A-are you okay?” Evan asked when they got outside. 

“Yeah. Good,” Jared replied, pulling off his dripping flannel and wringing it out on the sidewalk, shuddering at the cold.

“Jare.”  
“What?” Jared snapped, immediately wincing at his own tone.

“I..” Evan trailed off. He silently pulled off his own overshirt and placed it over Jared’s shoulders, avoiding eye contact.

Jared looked up at Evan’s face, who was looking away, his cheeks pink. Jared’s expression immediately softened, but he hid it, coughing out, “wh-what’s that for?”

“You’re.. You’re cold, Jared.”

Jared tore his eyes away and looked at the ground. “I’m, uh.. I’m gonna go put my shirt in the car real quick. Do you.. Mind if I wear yours?” He blushed. “The one on me.. Right now..”

Evan giggled quietly. “Yeah, duh. But, um.. Wouldn’t you rather go home?”

“I still owe you a prize,” he said, turning away and crossing the parking lot without waiting for a response. 

He hopped into his car, and lifted his hand to feel the warmth radiating from his face. He shook his head, and quickly pulled his shirt over his head.

_ What if Evan did that? _

Jared sighed. 

Couldn’t he just? Not do this? Evan was his friend. Just. His. Friend. He had no right to think of him this way. Why does he have to keep thinking about it? Why does he have to  _ fucking _ be like this?

He put his hand back up to his face, painfully aware of the droplets spilling out of his eyes, and desperately wiped them away.  _ Please, not now.  _ He shrugged Evan’s button-up on, and fumbled with the first button as he choked out a sob. 

Jared jerked his head up at a knock on the window. 

Evan was standing outside, eyebrows furrowed, his voice muffled. “Jare? You okay?”

He opened the car door silently, grabbing one side of the shirt he was wearing and making sure it was folded over the other side.

“J-Jared? Are you.. Crying?”

Jared couldn’t speak.

Evan got slowly into the passenger seat, and asked in a low, calm tone, “Are you having a panic attack? Tap your leg once for no, twice for yes.”

He tapped his leg twice.

Evan took a slow, deep breath. “Okay, good, that’s good. Now breathe with me, okay? In five, hold four, out seven. In.” Evan inhaled deeply, and Jared did the same. “Good, now hold it, okay, for four. Good, breathe out. Seven seconds. N-now we’re gonna do it again, and I’ll do it too, I won’t talk this time.” 

They repeated this several times, until Jared stopped crying and his breathing levelled out. “Okay, you did great, Jare. You did great, do you mind if I touch you?”

He tapped his leg once.

Evan gently placed his hand on Jared’s arm. “Can.. can I hug you?”

Two taps. Evan hugged him gently, not wanting to squeeze in case that would be too much. “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.” Evan rubbed his back lightly to try and calm him. “It’s okay.” 

Jared let himself sink into the hug, his head resting on Evan’s shoulder. “Thank you,” he whispered. 

“Of course,” Evan whispered back. He pulled away, let his hands rest gently on Jared’s shoulders as he looked into his eyes. “A-are you alright? We can go home to my place, get some rest, I can make you some dinner.. What do you need?”

Jared could tell that Evan was dead serious about this and very concerned for him, and all that did was make him feel worse. He felt like such a burden, this was where Evan had wanted to go and he ruined it, he couldn’t just focus on something other than his crush for more than two  _ fucking _ seconds! 

Jared broke down again, dropping his head into his knees and sobbing. “O-oh no, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to..” Evan started, his tone becoming panicked. 

Jared shook his head vigorously. “No.. no.. I just.. I’m so sorry.. I don’t..” He let out another sob. “I don’t deserve this, or you, in general, you’re so nice to me and I don-”

“Don’t say that!” Evan cried out. “Y-you deserve to be happy, you deserve to have a friend that looks out for you, and I’m doing that, I’m looking out for you, okay, because you’re my friend, and I care about you, and just because you’ve done not great things in the, the past, doesn’t mean that you can’t have nice things now, Jared, because you’re trying, you’re trying to be better, I see it, and that’s all that matters, you matter. Don’t..” Tears welled up in Evan’s eyes. “Don’t say that, okay? You’re okay, I promise I’m not upset with you, I just.. I want you to be okay.”

Jared looked up at Evan in shock. He wasn’t used to hearing stuff like this, at all, and he just.. Couldn’t shake the feeling that he should be getting the opposite treatment. 

“I.. I know you probably don’t believe me. I’ve been there, I’ve been there my whole life, I’m there now, but in the end, none of that stuff you say to yourself is true, J.. Nobody deserves to feel this way.”

He swallowed, and rubbed the tears out of his eyes. “Thank… you..” Jared mumbled.

Evan hugged him again, tighter this time. “You’re welcome. Are you r-ready to get out of here?”

“I.. I still owe you a prize, ya dork,” Jared mumbled.

“Jared.. Okay, this is cheesy, but.. Today was.. Prize enough, okay? I really enjoyed it.”

Jared chuckled softly. “That’s so.. Bi.”

Evan smiled lightly. “Yeah, probably.”

Jared hugged Evan again, squeezing tightly. “You’re the best, Ev.”

Evan pulled away to smile at Jared. “No, you. O-oh, you’re.. Not buttoned..”

Jared flushed. “Shit, yeah.” Evan turned away politely, his face pink, as Jared fixed the shirt. 

“You can.. Turn around now.”

Evan turned back, embarrassed. “Oh.. you.. You look good.. I-in blue. I mean.”

That did not help Jared’s face. “I.. thanks.” He turned on the car and pulled out of the parking lot.

  
  


\--------------------------------------

  
  
  
  


Jared walked in the door, trying hard to push the image of Evan shirtless from earlier into the back of his brain. “You’ve got a nice place, here.”

“Thanks!” Evan replied. “I-I worked hard on my plant collection.”

“I can tell, you take good care of them! Uh, I was wondering earlier, what are the labels?”

“Oh! I’m surprised you noticed, honestly.. I, um.. I kinda named them after my emotions, and insecurities and stuff like that, and some of them are even strengths. My therapist suggested it so that I can, like, come to terms with them and learn about them more, I guess? Like thinking about their individual needs, and sometimes I can talk to them and say shit like ‘hey Anxiety,’” Evan said, picking up the plant, “‘you make my life miserable and that’s something we need to work on’ and then I talk about it with my.. therapist..” He trailed off at the look on Jared’s face. “I-I’m sorry, that’s probably like, really weird, I-”

“No, I’m sorry, I just thought it was.. Really fascinating, actually?” Jared smiled at Evan and the plant, Anxiety, cupped in his hands. “I think that’s really cool. Genuinely.”

Evan smiled back in relief. “Thank you. That means a lot.” He hesitated with the plant in his hands, and Jared sensed his anxiety about continuing the conversation. 

“Tell me about the other ones?” Jared prodded. 

“O-oh, okay!” Evan gently placed Anxiety down and walked over to another plant. “Um, this one is Depression. It’s one of the more high maintenance ones, it just like, needs more care to keep its head up, which I kinda vibe with,” Evan explained, lifting one of its vines gently with his fingers. 

Jared noticed that Evan still stuttered less when talking about plants, which was cute. 

“That one over there is Post-Traumatic Stress, that one is Loneliness, those two are Love and Empathy respectively, Stutter, Overthinking, and Self Doubt,” Evan said, pointing around the room.

Jared walked around to all of the plants slowly and silently, taking them in. “Hey, Ev?” He said, finally. 

“Yeah?” 

He wanted to tell Evan so many things, how proud he was of him, how far he had come, but.. He had just spent so much of the past couple of days being so vulnerable, and he couldn’t deal with more of that right now. He didn’t want to slip into his mean persona again, but he did feel like he needed to tone it down a bit, for his own sake. 

“I, um.. I like your plants. Especially, uh, Stutter. I think it’s charming.” He turned to face Evan, smiling, hoping he got the message. 

Evan blushed. “Th-thank you.. I’m trying to, to accept it more lately. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Jared turned and plopped onto the couch. “You have a gaming console?”

“I, uh, I have a Switch. I mostly play Animal Crossing. Why?” Evan sat next to him. 

“Oh, sweet, I have one too. We should exchange friend codes later. What other games do you have?”

“It’s uh, just.. Animal Crossing.. Right now. I just got it a couple of weeks ago.”

Jared huffed. “We’ll have to fix that.”

“S-sorry..”  _ Shit. _

“No, don’t be. Show me your village thing?”

“Y-you mean you want to see my Animal Crossing island..?”

“Yeah, I’d like to. I wanna see how you design things, and it might help me decide whether or not to get it.”

Evan grinned and opened up the game. “It’d be great if you did.”

Evan gave Jared a tour of his island, gushing about the villagers and layout all the while. It made Jared happy to see Evan talking about things he liked, so he didn’t mind the fact that it wasn’t really his kind of game. Evan even showed him a bunch of custom designs he had made, which were really well done. 

By the time they were done, it was evening time. “Oh shit, I should probably start dinner..” Evan said. 

“You don’t have to make me dinner, you know, I can just go home and get something to eat.”

“Do you not want to stay for dinner?” Evan frowned.  _ Fuck, why am I like this?? _

“No, I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant, I just thought that it was probably a lot of trouble.. for you..” Jared mumbled. 

“It’s not. I promise, Jare.” Jared’s heart flipped.

Evan got up from the couch and started towards the kitchen, then turned back for a moment.

“Um, if, if you want, you can put on, like a movie or a show or video or whatever..” he suggested. 

“Okay, I’ll uh, see if I can find something.” Jared opened up Netflix on the TV. “I’ll look through your Netflix so I can laugh at your viewing choices.”

“Go ahead, I guess,” Evan laughed. 

Jared started scrolling through Evan’s watchlist. “The Great British Baking Show?” He said, amused. 

“It’s a good show!” Evan protested.

“Hmm.. Yo, wait, have you not seen this?” Jared asked, hovering. 

“No, I haven’t, why?”

“You haven’t seen  _ John Mulaney’s New in Town??? _ ”

“....no?” Evan looked puzzled. 

“Fuck’s sake.” Jared pressed play.

“I guess now’s as good a time as ever to introduce me to John Mulaney..” Evan mumbled.

“You’re damn right it is.”

Jared pretended to watch the show, not letting on that he knew most of the jokes by heart, and glanced over at Evan frequently. Evan was watching the show intently, cooking and laughing. Every time he laughed his face lit up, his mouth would open wide into a happy expression that made Jared swoon, and his laugh was just angelic. Jared eventually found his face propped up on his hand, staring at Evan with a huge smile on his face, which he immediately regretted when Evan turned and met his gaze.

“What?” Evan said nervously.

“Oh, um, sorry..”

“Why were you s-staring at me, did I do something?”

“No, you’re just. You’re a dork.”

Evan frowned. “I’m just laughing at the show.. Isn’t that the point?”

Jared couldn’t stop himself before he responded too loudly and too defensively, “you just look  _ dorky _ .” Evan’s face dropped, and he turned away, clearly hurt.

“D-dinner’s.. Done. I’ll be right back.” Evan walked down the hallway and into his room, avoiding Jared’s gaze, and Jared knew he had fucked up. He heard the door close quietly.

Jared sighed in disappointment at his own actions.

He grabbed a plate out of the cupboard and put some food onto it, then opened drawers until he found a fork. 

_ Why did I have to be so mean? _

_ What now? _

_ What am I supposed to say? _

_ Should I just say that I thought he was cute? No, that’s too much. He’d know- _

He was knocking on Evan’s door. “Ev?” He called softly.

He heard a sniffle on the other side. “W-what’s up, Jared?” 

“Can I come in?”

Silence. 

“..Evan?” Jared called again.

The door opened. Evan swiped at his eyes, standing next to it. “W-what’s up?”

“I’m..” Jared found himself faltering. “I’m sorry, I.. I didn’t mean it, Evan.”

“Well, i-if you don’t mean it, why do you say stuff like that?”

“I..” Jared gulped, looking into Evan’s deep, oceany eyes. “I don’t.. Really know. I-I mean, when I called you dorky, I really just wanted to say that.. I like your laugh, and.. Your smile..”

Evan continued to stare into Jared’s eyes, looking for.. Something. 

“You, uh..” Evan forced out a laugh. “You like my laugh and smile because.. They’re dorky.”

“They’re not dorky. They’re really nice, actually, like.. Yeah. They’re nice to hear.. And see…” He trailed off.

“Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“P-please don’t insult me when you want to compliment me. That’s actually, uh, kind of contradictory? If you haven’t noticed.” Evan’s mouth turned up into a half smile. 

“Yeah, that’s true. Sorry.” Jared smiled back, and handed the plate in his hands to Evan. “Eat.”

Evan took the plate and walked past Jared into the living room. “You too.”

Jared followed and served himself a plate before joining Evan on the couch. “Again, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Evan took a bite of his food. “You’re just dumb.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Every time you insult me, Jared, I’m going to call you dumb.”

“I am dumb, though, like, when I insult you it’s never true, so I don’t know if that’s fair, Ev,” Jared smirked. 

Evan rolled his eyes and laughed.

“That,” Jared blurted.

Evan looked at him quizzically, fork in mouth.

“That laugh.”

He watched as Evan’s eyes bore into him again before Evan turned his face away with a small chuckle. “Thanks.”

Jared ate another bite. 

“Jared?” Evan started.

He looked up at Evan.

“Y-yours, too.”

Jared’s cheeks warmed.

Evan giggled quietly. “Love you, Jare.”

His heart jumped into the next dimension, and his face turned tomato red. “What?”

Evan started laughing. “Dude, uh, platonically. What, have you never said ‘I love you’ to a friend before?”

Jared’s emotions were on a violent rollercoaster. “N-no?”

“Oh.. sorry. Does that, uh, make you uncomfortable?”

“Uh, um.. N-no, just.. Didn’t know.. You could do that..” Jared stammered. 

“W-well, personally, I mean, I think people should.. Should be able to tell their friends that they love them. It’s just human nature, it’s weird that people don’t do it more.”

“I.. I guess you’re right,” Jared mumbled. 

Evan smiled awkwardly. “Again, sorry, I don’t have to say that if it’s like, weird or whatever.”

“It’s not,” Jared said. “You’re right. You should.. Say it.”

Evan nodded. “I’m.. glad. Because, I.. I do, Jared.”

He gulped. “I.. that’s nice to hear. Me too.” Jared stole a quick glance at Evan, who was pretty red himself, and smiled softly.


	4. Never Get the Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW underage drinking and mentions of sex and drugs  
> Jared is a gay disaster that doesn't know how to deal with emotions pt 2

The next few weeks went by swimmingly. Jared and Evan frequently hung out together with their respective friends, even inviting Riley and his partner over, and everyone got along pretty well. On this particular night they were hanging out with a few friends in Jack and Jared’s apartment.

“Hey, ya’ll, sorry I’m late, I brought drinks!” Riley walked through the door with his partner, Robin. 

“Yo!” Jared called, looking up at them from the couch. “Sweet, thank you!” He turned to Evan beside him. “You up for it?” he asked quietly.

“Uh..” Jared watched Evan carefully as Evan thought to himself what to do. “Y-you know what? Sure.”

Jared raised an eyebrow. “You sure?”

Evan rolled his eyes at him. “You act like I haven’t done it before.”

Jared grinned. “Alright, games then?” He looked around the room which consisted of him and Evan, Jack, Alana, Riley, and Robin. 

“Spin the bottle?” Alana suggested. 

“Never have I ever,” Robin piped up. 

“I like king’s cup,” Jack said.

“Truth or dare,” Riley added.

Jared’s heart jumped at his possibilities with Evan here, but kept a poker face and raised an eyebrow at Evan. “It’s your first time, you want to pick?”

“Uh, um…” Evan stammered. “L-let’s start with never have I ever?”

“You start,” Jared replied, standing and pouring out drinks for everyone.

Evan blushed. “Um.. never have I ever played spin the bottle.”

“Wooooow,” Jared said. “Daring, are we.” Everyone except Evan took a drink.

“Good one, Evan,” Alana said.

“Th-thanks,” Evan laughed.

Next up was Jack, to Evan’s left. “Never have I ever dated a guy.” 

Jared hummed, taking a drink. Riley and Robin also drank.

Alana coughed. “Never have I ever.. Loved someone and never told them.”

Jared glared at her.  _ I definitely need more alcohol in me if she’s gonna be like this tonight. _ He gulped down a good chunk of his drink, everyone glancing over, minus Evan. He was oblivious, taking a sip himself, and Jared thought of Zoe in confusion.

He quickly forgot about it. “Never have I ever been in handcuffs,” Robin said. Riley kicked them and sipped, as did Jack. 

“Kinky,” Jared smirked.

“Never have I ever put someone in handcuffs!” Riley shot back. Robin rolled their eyes and picked up their glass.

“Never have I ever dated a giiiirl,” Jared said smugly.

Everyone drank. “Bastard,” Alana grumbled. 

The circle went around like this a couple of times, with fairly normal questions that Jared didn’t pay much mind to.

Eventually, it came around to Evan a fourth time. “O-oh, my turn, um.. Um.. Never have I ever smoked a drug,” he snickered, glancing at Jared.  _ A  _ self  _ reference??? _

Jared started laughing loudly. 

“ _ Smoked a drug. _ ” Alana giggled.

“I-inside joke,” Evan said quickly. Jared smiled fondly, and he, Jack, Riley, and Robin took a drink.

“Never have I ever put something in my butt,” Jack said, grinning. 

_ Oh boy.  _ Riley drank and Jared sipped at his drink nonchalantly, trying not to make eye contact as Evan side-eyed him.

Jared rolled his eyes, cheeks red. “I’m a 20 year old gay man, what did you think, Evan?”

Evan blushed. “W-well I th-thought.. Hmm.” 

Laughs erupted from around the room. “Alright, alright, it’s Alana’s turn, shut up,” Jared insisted, in between laughs.

“W-well,” she started, laughing again. “Since we’re going down this road.. Never have I ever sucked a dick.”

Jared faux gasped. “ _ Language. _ ” He drank.

“So today we’ve discovered that Jared is actually a bottom,” Robin quipped, smirking at him.

His face flushed. “ _ How  _ does  _ sucking a dick  _ make me a  _ bottom???  _ You’re so wrong.” 

“Bullshit,” Evan laughed. “You key smash, Jare. It’s painfully obvious.”

He gaped at Evan, then snorted. “Thats rich, coming from you, and your UwUs.” Evan looked offended.

“Boys, boys, you can both be bottoms. It’s okay,” Alana grinned.

They both groaned. 

“Never have I ever been a bottom,” Robin said, wiggling their eyebrows.

“ _ Have I ever been _ is different than  _ am _ , Robin!” Jared protested, drinking. Evan giggled as Riley and Jack also drank. “Also, okay, I knew  _ you _ were a bottom, but  _ you _ ?” He asked, looking at Riley, who pouted, and then Jack respectively. 

“ _ Have I ever been _ is different than  _ am _ , Jared!” Jack mocked in a high pitched voice, prompting an eye roll from Jared and a snicker from Evan.

“Never have I ever been a top,” Riley smiled. Jack, Alana, and Robin drank as Jared looked down in shame. 

“Jared?” Evan teased. “I th-thought you weren’t a bottom..” 

“Sh-shut up.”

“So you were lying to me?” he pouted.

“Shut _ up, _ ” Jared said, failing to stifle a laugh, and shoved Evan with his free hand. 

“Jareeeee,” Evan complained in a whiny voice.  _ He’s definitely tipsy. _

“Evan, stop flirting,” Alana teased. Both Jared and Evan reddened at that comment.

“I’m not!” he cried. 

“Are toooo.”  _ Oh, we’re  _ all  _ tipsy. _

“Well, he’s just cute! I mean, look at him,” Evan said fondly, leaning in,  _ oh shit _ , and squeezing Jared’s cheeks.  _ What in the god damn- oh my God, Evan, you’re literally the cutest person on the planet, I’m going to die- _

“He is cute,” Alana admitted. “But I’m gay, so.”

_ What the shit-  _ “H-hey-” Jared stammered.

“He’s _so_ cute,” Jack agreed.  
Jared jumped up, almost falling over, his mind going a million miles a second; to him, but in reality it was going pretty slow, because, y’know. “Ya’ll better fuckin’ cut that out _immediately,_ ” he insisted, pointing around the room defensively. “Never have I ever, um, never have I ever,” _gottagogottagogottago,_ “h-had to pee!” He took a quick swig of his drink and ran to the bathroom, avoiding the confused gazes he got. 

“But he’s definitely had to pee before,” he heard Evan say innocently before he closed the door.

_Fuck, god damn it, shit, fuck, he was_ so _close_ _to my face, shit, I’m a disaster, what the fuck, right, peeing,_ he thought frantically, making his way to the toilet. _Shit, how in the god damn motherfucking shit does he think he has the right to give me a gay panic attack, fuck me, god damn it, I’m literally so in love with you, Evan, and your stupid khakis, and those_ fucking _shoes, I just want to run out there and kiss your stupid face, I wanna commit ARSON to get OUT OF THIS,_[ _🎵_](https://emojipedia.org/musical-note/) _Jared set a fire and he burned down Jack’s house_[ _🎵_](https://emojipedia.org/musical-note/) _,_ FOCUS! 

He put down the toilet seat and began washing his hands at the sink.  _ Twenty seconds, how many seconds does “I love you Evan” take up? I love you Evan, I love you, I love you, I love you, so much, I love you, I love you, I  _ love  _ you, good enough.  _ He dried his hands and stared at his disheveled, lovestruck self in the mirror.  _ Fuck, man.  _

He opened the door and started on his way back into the main room when he heard Riley’s voice. “Truth or dare, Evan?” 

“Hmm.. t-truth.” Jared turned the corner, sucking in a deep breath.

“How do you feel about J-”

“Jare~!” Evan sang happily, forgetting the game when Jared came into sight, and Jared swore he could see his own heart soaring out of his chest.

“Welcome back,  _ Jare, _ ” Alana said with a grin.

“You do  _ not  _ get to call me that. Only Evan. Hi, Ev,” he smiled, standing over Evan, who was now laying over his spot. 

“Aww,” Evan mumbled, smiling up at Jared. “That’s gay.”

Jared blushed. “No homo, dude,” he laughed. “Here, sit up for a sec?”

Evan sat up, and Jared sat down, then gently moved Evan to lay his head in his lap, ruffling his hair.

Jared stared into Evan’s eyes for what seemed like ages, smiling fondly. Both time and his thoughts seemed to melt away for that moment, and Jared couldn’t pinpoint if the cause was drunkenness or love. Probably both.

Riley cleared his throat. “Guess that answers my question. Evan, your turn.”

Evan seemed absolutely clueless at what had just occurred, his attention quickly turning back to Riley, but Jared’s heart could not slow down no matter how hard he tried. He chugged a portion of his drink.

“Jared,” Evan piped up. “Truth or dare?”

“Um. Dare.”  _ Please kiss me please kiss me please kiss me- damn it, Jared- _

“Uhhh.. lemme think.. I dare you to.. Make me food.” 

Jared chuckled. “Well, damn, now I have to. What do you want?” 

“Pizza rolls,” he said immediately. 

Jared shrugged and stood up, slowly this time, before making his way over to the freezer. “Alana?” 

She snored, and he heard a few giggles from the living room. “Okay. Jack?” 

“Yeah?”

“Truth or dare?” Jared asked, putting some pizza rolls in the microwave. 

“Dare, dude.”

“Uh, I’m gonna melt you some butter while I’m in here and you have to drink all of it.” 

Jack gagged. “Ew. Fine, I guess.” 

“Gross!” Evan shouted.

“It might be a minute though,” Jared called, “so ya’ll can keep playing.”

“Rob, truth or dare?” Jack asked. 

“Huh, what? Oh, truth, I guess.” 

“What way do you put your toilet paper?”

Jared brought the plate of pizza rolls to Evan, who excitedly started shoveling into his mouth, and immediately regretted it. 

“What? The right way. Obviously,” Robin replied.

“That’s chill.” 

“Ooookay, I think it’s about time we call it a night,” Jared said, laughing at the interaction. “Let me get your butter, though.” 

Jack groaned. 

“Mmkay. Let’s uber home, babe,” Robin said to Riley, nudging him gently. 

“Alright.” 

Jared put a hefty amount of butter in the microwave before turning to wave at them. “Bye guys, get home safe!” 

“We will, I was careful drinking,” Robin assured him as they headed out the door. “Good night.”

Jared glanced over at Alana. “I’m just gonna let her stay there.. And Evan, you’re staying too.”

“Good,” he mumbled, pleased. 

Jared took the butter out of the microwave. “Your butter, m’lord,” he said smugly, walking into the main room and handing Jack the butter.

“Fuck you,” he replied. “Gotta let it cool first, at least.” 

Jared nodded in agreement, then turned to Evan. “How are you feeling, Evan?” he said gently, sitting down next to him.

He grumbled incoherently, and Jared laughed quietly.

“Alright, let’s get you into my room and I’ll set us up on the floor, mkay?” 

“Why the floor?” Evan moaned. “I want the bed.” 

Jared smiled sympathetically. “Okay, I’ll let you have the bed all to yourself, okay?”

“No.”

“..no?”

“Both.”

Jared’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Both what, Ev?”

“Both of us. In the bed. You can’t sleep on the floor.. That’s.. Painful.” 

Jared flushed. “It’s not a big deal, Evan, I can just-”  
“ _Bed,_ ” Evan insisted.

“Okay. Okay. That works,” Jared replied, putting his hands up.

Jack raised an eyebrow at Jared. 

“Drink your butter,” he ordered in response.

Jack chugged it and immediately started gagging and spitting. Jared shoved a glass of water towards him, and he quickly obliged. 

“Okay, Ev, come on.” He held out his hands. Evan grabbed them roughly and Jared lost balance, toppling over on top of Evan.

“Sorry” Evan mumbled, giggling, looking at Jared, who was almost sitting in his lap at this point.  _ God damn. _

“‘S all good,” Jared barely managed to squeak out, standing up carefully. 

He held out his hands. “Gentle, this time, please.”

Evan took his hands carefully and stood himself up, wobbling. “Woah.” Jared caught him by his shoulders before he could fall back down. 

“Careful,” he murmured breathlessly. He let his hands slide down Evan’s arms until they reached his palms, grabbing them tightly to steady Evan. 

Evan looked down at him, his eyes burning into Jared’s. Jared gulped, looking down.

“Come on,” he said quietly, tugging Evan’s hand. He slowly led Evan into his room, looking back at him to make sure he was keeping balance. Eventually they made it in, and Jared helped Evan sit down on the bed. “There you go, good,” he reassured. “Now lay down.”

Evan nodded, and let himself lay back into the bed. He rolled over to the side closest to the wall, and faced inward, looking at Jared.

“What?” Jared asked.

“Nothing,” Evan replied. He patted the bed next to him. “Sleep.”

“Not yet for me,” Jared replied. He sat down next to him, but made sure they didn’t touch, as his nerves got the best of him.

“Jared?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re gay,” Evan giggled.

“That is true, yeah.”

“And I love you.”

_ What? I- Fuck- What the hell- _ Jared started to panic, his whole face turning violently red, and suddenly he remembered a few weeks earlier, when Evan had mentioned how important platonic I love you’s were to him, and he realized.

“I.. I love you too, Evan.”

Evan hummed contentedly and promptly passed out.

Jared contemplated the gay predicament he found himself in for a bit, staring at Evan, face still flushed.  _ He’s so.. Beautiful. _

He had no idea how much time had passed when he finally got up to turn out the light, taking one more good look at Evan before doing so. He then sat back down on the bed carefully, and laid down facing Evan who was still fast asleep.

Jared pulled the blanket farther up over their shoulders, getting himself comfy, and made sure Evan was fully covered before he allowed himself to close his eyes. He immediately felt himself drifting off. 

“I love you, Evan,” he said softly, and fell asleep.

  
  


\--------------------------------------

Jared woke up the next morning groggy and moaning, opening his eyes halfway and shifting to his other side to see Evan staring back at him.

“SHIT WHAT THE- ow!” He jumped back and smacked his head on the bed frame. “You scared the FUCK out of me, Evan!” He cried.

“I noticed,” Evan grumbled.

Jared frowned. “Dude, how wasted did we get last night?” He began wracking his mind for anything he could really remember, and his throat tightened as his mind flashed back to one specific thing: their ‘I love you’ exchanges.  _ That was- that was platonic, right- oh God- _

“Dude, I don’t fucking know,” Evan groaned. “I don’t remember jack shit.” 

Jared let out a sigh of relief, and Evan looked at him quizzically. “W-what, do you?”

“N-no!” Jared said defensively. “Not really. I-I mean, a few things here and there, but you know, nothing important.. or anything..”  _ Wow Jared, incredible, really. Why are you even lying? It was probably just platonic, he’s talking about that before.. _

“You’re n-not great at lying to me,” Evan chuckled as he sat up slowly.  _ Fuuuuuuuuck. _ “C’mon, tell m-”

There was a loud knock on the door, and both of them jumped. “Jared, come get your friend!” Jack shouted from the other side. 

_ Oh, yeah. Alana.  _ Jared stood up quickly and opened the bedroom door, where Jack smiled back at him. “‘Sup. How was your night with Evan?”

“We didn’t do anything, dumbass!” He yelled defensively. His face heated up and he shoved Jack’s arm.

Jack grinned, looking from him, to Evan, back to him. “I didn’t say you did, but go off, bud. Go get ‘Lana up, at least.”

Jared gritted his teeth as his face got even redder, and he didn’t even want to see what Evan’s face looked like.  _ Why am I making this such a big  _ fucking  _ deal??? _ He pushed Jack out of the way with his shoulder and started down the hallway, huffing, Jack laughing behind him.

“Hey, Jared,” Alana said, already up on her phone.

“Hey,” Jared replied, plopping down on the couch. “How was your beauty sleep?” 

“Fantastic,” she replied dryly, voice laced with sarcasm. Jared let out a small chuckle. “Yours?”

“Fine.”

“And Evan’s?” She questioned, raising an eyebrow.

“Ask him yourself!” He snapped.

Alana jumped. “What are you so mad about? Geez..” She faltered, clearly startled.

Jared winced at the fear in her voice. “I’m.. Shit. Sorry. I-it’s just.. I’m sorry.”

Alana lowered her voice in concern. “Are you.. Good..? Did something happen?”

“No!” He cried. 

“Okay, okay, okay. I’m just..” She stood up. “Gonna go.” 

Jared looked down as she walked out the door silently, closing the door quietly behind her. There was silence, and Jared let himself breathe, but only for a moment.

“J-Jared?”

Evan’s voice was small, behind him. Jared swallowed, fighting back tears from all of the emotion he was feeling. He took a deep breath. 

“A-are you.. Are you okay?”

Jared sighed softly, trying his best to keep himself in check around Evan, and so far all he could do to make that happen was stay quiet. 

Evan walked over slowly and carefully, and sat himself down on the couch next to him. “Y-you can.. You can talk to me.. Jare.”

Jared’s breath hitched, and the tears fell. 

Evan’s eyebrows turned inward, and he stared at Jared with concern in his eyes, searching for the right thing to say. “Did I.. do something..?”

“N-no,” Jared choked out. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Evan. I just.. I can’t..” He sobbed, and inhaled sharply. Tears ran down his face rapidly. “I’m not.. Used to having..”  _ Having such strong feelings,  _ “Having.. Friendship like this? I..”  _ I love you,  _ “You.. You said you..” He put his head in his hands. “You said you l-loved me, last night,” he stammered, and faltered when he heard Evan inhale sharply, but made himself continue. “A-and it was platonic and everything,” he continued, and he thought he heard Evan exhale.  _ He exhaled? In.. relief? No, you’re overthinking it. _ “But like, I’m just not.. Used to that?”

Evan gently placed his hand on Jared’s shoulder, and Jared breathed deeply at the reassuring touch before continuing. “I just. I’m sorry, I. I love you too, but it’s..” He breathed again, and lifted his face from his hands slightly. “Scary.. I don’t know.”

“I know,” Evan consoled. “It’s okay, Jare. I get it.”

Jared sighed comfortably. 

“It’s okay,” Evan repeated softly. He rubbed his thumb back and forth over his shoulder to calm him. 

Jared took another deep breath. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m a dumbass.”

“No, you’re not,” Evan replied. “You’re not dumb.”

Jared smiled silently, and leaned back into him. Evan embraced him, pulling Jared back into his chest and wrapping his arms around him. 

“Evan,” he started, far too loudly and abruptly, and felt his throat get tight again. “I love you.”

Evan gasped quietly. “I.. I love you too, Jared.”

He smiled lightly, and turned to look at Evan. He was looking down at him with a softness that Jared couldn’t define, but it made him feel all kinds of things.  _ It’s just platonic, _ he reminded himself. But that didn’t stop his heart.


	5. Everything I've Never Had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the boys get wasted  
> tw drinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i edited the other chapters a bit (again) btw if yall wanted to go check that out at all

“So, what movie were you thinking?” Evan asked, dropping himself on the couch next to Jared. They were in Evan’s apartment, a few months after their last drunken endeavors. 

“I don’t really care, dude.”

“Jared, you have to make the decision, I’m bisexual.”

Jared groaned. “You useless bastard.” He turned on Netflix and turned on the first movie he found, which just so happened to be  _ How To Train Your Dragon _ .

Evan shrugged. “Okay.”

A few minutes of the movie passed, and the boys mostly sat in silence, making a few comments here and there. 

Eventually Evan yawned, stretching his arms over his head and nonchalantly draping one over Jared’s shoulders.

He jolted at the contact, but otherwise pretended not to notice; not that it worked, but he was too embarrassed to say anything about it. He was also embarrassed to admit to himself that it was comforting, and.. Nice. 

And then Evan gently pulled him closer, so that Jared was leaning into Evan’s side and laying his head on Evan’s shoulder, and Jared looked up and began to panic, because Evan was looking at him with that soft gaze of emotion he could never place, and he was sure that his gaze back could only be just as soft. How wouldn’t it be, as his heart beat through his chest so loudly that even Evan could probably hear it, and his breath came with difficulty, and his cheeks heated with a color that was anything but subtle. 

Evan’s lips parted with a soft and comforted sigh, and he pressed his face into Jared’s hair, breathing it in, and lacing his fingers through Jared’s own. 

Jared was dying, he was sure of it. He could barely breathe as he felt Evan move his hand to his chin, lifting it slightly so that their eyes would meet again. And his fingers gently trailed up to his cheek, cupping it and running his thumb back and forth. 

“Earth to Jare.”

He inhaled sharply. “Y-yeah, what’s uh, what’s up, Ev?”

“You okay?” Evan was smiling, and his cheeks were flushed lightly.

“Uh, yeah, I’m good, I’m fine, why?”

“Well, you just.. You look.. Uncomfortable. Is this okay?”

“Is what okay?” Jared asked in confusion. “I don’t really know what you’re doing, honestly, like, you keep, you keep looking at me like that and I..”

Evan looked.. Disappointed. “Oh, I.. uh.. It’s nothing.” He stopped embracing Jared and turned back to the movie. 

“No, wait, I..” He trailed off. “I don’t.. Understand.. Is all.. It wasn’t bad..”

Evan smiled sadly. “It’s okay, J, just don’t worry about it.”

“Ev..”

Seconds passed, and Jared boldly slid into Evan’s lap, hugging him with his legs curled around his torso, and laying his face into the crook of his shoulder, breathing heavily and nervously against the skin of his neck. Evan hesitated for a moment before holding his arms around Jared’s waist, holding their bodies tightly together and resting his own head on Jared’s shoulder, and they fit together perfectly, like that’s where Jared was meant to be all along. 

Evan moved one hand to Jared’s hair and gently ran his fingers through it, and Jared finally relaxed his body, putting more weight onto Evan and letting his eyes flutter closed. 

  
  


\-------------------------------------

  
  


Jared woke up to Evan desperately trying to grab the remote to turn off the TV without waking him up and failing. He startled, looking around in confusion and then up at Evan, and Evan was smiling down at him still. “Hi.”

“Hey,” Jared replied, flustered. He awkwardly climbed off of Evan and sat back down on the couch, keeping his eyes on the blank TV. “Uh, is the movie over?”

“Yeah, you slept through it.”

“Oh.” He looked back over at Evan shyly, who had a stunning and happy grin on his face that he couldn’t conceal. “What?”

“Nothin’.’” He said teasingly. 

“It’s not nothin’.”

“You’re- you’re cute.”

Jared turned red, sputtering. “E-excuse me?”

“You heard me!”

“I’m not- I’m not cute, asshole!” Jared said, shoving Evan, but not too hard.

“You totally are, though,” he grinned.

“I- why are you-”

“What? Why am I calling you cute after you st-straddled me and fell asleep?”

“W-wait-”

“Because I..” Evan started, but couldn’t bring myself to finish.

“You, uh.. You what?” Jared said nervously.

Evan’s smile fell, and uncertainty took over his face. “Um..” He turned towards Jared hesitantly, holding his gaze. 

“Is.. something wrong?”

Evan opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

_ I overstepped, I shouldn’t have done that, he was right, I was totally straddling him, oh my God, that’s so embarrassing, why did I do that, he’s not gonna wanna be friends anymore, I made him uncomfortable, he doesn’t like me, how could he like me, I’m-  _ “I’m sorry!” Jared blurted out.

Evan’s eyebrows furrowed. “For what?”

“I overstepped, I shouldn’t have done that, shit, I-”

“J-Jared, wait-”

“I’m, I’ll uh, I’ll talk to you later!” Jared cried out, and he ran out the door, and he kept running, running, running away, running away from Evan, his emotions, his insecurities, his inevitable rejection. How could Evan ever like him? What kind of god damn fool would love someone like Jared? What kind of fool would think that he would ever be good enough for someone like Evan?

Not him. He didn’t want to make that mistake again. 

But as he ran, something deep down wanted to turn back, to go back to his door, and confess everything, and kiss the shit out of Evan, and.. Maybe he would kiss him back.

Would he?

He slowed to a stop.

_ Maybe he would. _

He stood on the sidewalk, breathing heavily, and sat down on a bench. He took out his phone.

**From: Evy**

jare please come back

**6:45pm**

**From: Evy**

I swear it’s not a big deal. We can talk it out, listen to some music?

**6:47pm**

**From: Evy**

I have some wine

**6:48pm**

Jared sighed.

**To: Evy**

Sorry. Got freaked out. Omw back

**7:01pm**

\-------------------------------------

Jared knocked on the door.

Evan opened it almost immediately from the other side, looking relieved. “I was worried, Jared.”

“Sorry,” Jared mumbled, walking inside and sitting back down on the couch. “I just.. I thought you were mad at me? Not an excuse, I-”

“I-it’s okay,” Evan interrupted. “I, I understand why you were nervous, I would have been too probably, so let’s just relax? Alana gave me that wine, if you’d like some, I haven’t had a chance to drink any yet, but I think it’s pretty good stuff..”

“Yeah, that sounds nice.”

“Okay.” Evan smiled lightly, and then stood and got some glasses out of his cupboard, pouring some of the wine into each glass.

Jared thanked him when he returned, carefully taking the glass and drinking a sip. “Oh damn, that is good. So, you.. Wanted to just listen to music?”

“Is that okay with you? I just kinda feel like vibing, you know?”

“Yeah, sounds good to me.”

And so they did. They took turns playing songs, belting notes at the top of their lungs and laughing their asses off.

“WHAT DO YA KNOW, this house is falling apart! WHAT CAN I SAY, this house is falling apart!”

“It’s such a tragedyyy, we always used to speak, try to live up TO THE PERSON I PRETEND TO BE!”

“ **_IT’S FROM JAPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNN!!!!_ ** ”

“You left me paralyzeeed, and now I’m stuck, you got me stuck, OOOOHHHH YEAAAH!!”

“Now DANCE, FUCKER, DANCE! We NEVER HAD A CHANCE!!!”

Jared was having a blast, bopping his head along to the music and sneaking glances at Evan. He was a hot mess, his hair looked like a mop from dancing to the music, he was singing as loudly as possible, not worrying about his notes hitting, not worrying about.. Anything, it seemed like, and Jared realized that Evan was completely and fully trusting him in this moment. That Evan.. trusted him.

_ Evan trusts me. _

And Jared felt special, to be trusted, to be able to see this side of his best friend. 

  
  
  


\-------------------------------------

  
  
  


Eventually the boys found themselves on the floor, wasted and contemplative, Evan’s calmer playlist playing quietly in the background so as not to flare their headaches. 

_ We made a pact.. _

Jared was able to register Evan giggling a few feet away, though a couple seconds late on noticing.

“What?”

“I just..” He laughed as he talked. “I didn’t think we’d ever be friends again, and I was laughing because I’m really happy about it, and then I kept laughing because my laugh is like, really goofy, but it’s fine! Because you like my laugh, that’s all that really matters to me.”

“I do like your laugh a lot,” Jared agreed, turning his head in Evan’s direction. “It’s so.. Bubbly? Like I start grinning every time I hear it. It’s a shame that you don’t let yourself laugh most of the time, it’s just.. It’s like sunshine, Evan, like everything glows when you laugh, actually, fuck, everything glows just when you’re around.”

“R-really?”

“You’re the sun.”

Evan beamed, and it was so bright it was blinding, and Jared knew at that moment that he was purely, madly, irrevocably in love. 

“Hey, Evan?  
“Yeah?”

_ The river runs right through you. _

“I love you.”

_ But under rocks.. _

“I love you too.”

_ There’s always something better to do. _

Jared gazed at Evan lovingly. “No, like..”

_ You’re the culmination.. _

“I’m in love with you, Ev.” 

_ Of everything I’ve never had. _

“Have been for a while. Liked you since sophomore year,” he chuckled.

_ But it’s so hard… _

“I mean, how could I not? You’re..”

_ To love you. _

“You’re stunning. Just an incredible person, I..”

_ It’s like we never get the chance. _

“Obviously I never told you, I mean I’m really self conscious about it, and how would I ever be good enough?”

_ You’re the culmination... _

“But.. maybe losing my filter helps.”

Jared had turned his gaze to the ceiling long ago. Maybe he was filterless, but he was still scared. 

_ Of everything I’ve never had. _

“It’s about time I told you, really.”

_ Oh oh. _

“I felt like you deserved to know.”

_ But we go way back.. _

“That I love you. That way.”

_ We go way back-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack. _

Jared fell into silence, and finally willed himself to glance at Evan.

He wore a soft, contented expression on his face, and he began giggling softly.

Normally Jared would be offended, but Jared was sloshed, and honestly, this was pretty fucking hilarious, so he joined in.

Finally, Evan spoke. “Sorry, it’s just..” He chuckled again before looking into Jared’s eyes. “I-it’s ironic.”

Jared laughed nervously. “How is it ironic?”

Evan snickered. “This, uh.. This playlist is called ‘Pining Over Jared’,” he admitted.

Jared couldn’t help himself from bursting out in laughter. “Dude,” he gasped, “are you serious?”

“100%,” Evan replied, snorting.

“Holy shit,” Jared said when his fit was over with. He turned to face Evan again, grinning widely. “I.. does that mean..”

“That I’m madly in love with you also and want to be with you? Abso-fuckin-lutely it does.”

“I..” Jared found himself speechless at that. 

“Yeah?” Evan teased.

“So…”

“Sp-spit it out,” he grinned.

“You’re telling me that Evan Hansen, the love of my god damn life, loved me back this whole time?”

“Ding ding ding ding ding,” Evan whispered, scooting closer.

“Well fuck,” Jared breathed, “can I kiss you then, Hansen?”

“Mmm… well, normally yes, but I’d like to remember our first kiss if that’s okay with you.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

“But I would like to cuddle you and pass out.”

“Definitely,” Jared replied, “but lemme do something first.”

Evan watched in confusion as Jared pulled out his phone, then started cackling as he watched him set a 1pm alarm titled ‘you have a boyfreindd. His name isd Evan Hanbsen. Kiss hiim’.

“Smart,” Evan gasped, still laughing.

Jared flung himself on top of Evan in joy, hugging him as tightly as humanly possible, and slept better than he had in years.

  
  


\-------------------------------------

  
  


Jared woke up to an annoying beeping with a pounding headache and a groan, reaching for his phone to turn off the blaring alarm. He stared at his phone for a minute or two, occasionally rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn’t seeing things.

Evan Hansen? His.. boyfriend?

He looked over at Evan, who was still passed out on the floor unbothered by the alarm and just watched him in contentedly as his chest went up and down with every breath.

After about half an hour, he finally got the balls to wake him up, reaching over and nudging him gently at first. When that didn’t work, he resorted to some shaking. 

“Aaaoouughhh,” Evan groaned. 

“Evan, get up.”

“No,” he grumbled.

“Evan.”

Evan snored.

At this point, Jared really only had one option that wasn’t too mean. That option was squishing him.

“Get offfff,” Evan wheezed as Jared flopped onto him.

“Why, did you want to watch me?” Jared responded without missing a beat. Evan’s eyes shot open.

“J-Jared!”

“What?” he laughed.

Evan shoved him off, groaning again and holding his head. 

“So, uh…” Jared cleared his throat. “Remember anything?”

“No, why?” Evan mumbled.

“Well,” Jared started hesitating. He couldn’t remember either, but it had to have happened, right? He wouldn’t write that if it wasn’t true. “Uh..”

“Spit it out.”

A memory of Evan saying just that flashed back at him, and that was all the confirmation he needed. “My alarm said you’re my boyfriend.”

Evan shot up. “ _ What? _ ”

“Can I kiss you?” Jared blurted.

He opened his mouth to speak, but just let it stay open, staring at Jared in shock. “You- wh- uh- I-”

Jared chuckled nervously. “I uh, I guess let’s start with, was it true?” His heart was beating out of his chest, and every bone in his body was ready to start booking it, but he didn’t want to do that to Evan, not again. “Do you love me?” 

“I-” Evan started, then cleared his throat. “Well, y-yeah.”

“Like, romantically?”

“I..” Evan took a deep breath. “Yes.”

Jared grinned. “You love me.”

“Do you?”

“Evan, I’ve  _ been  _ in love with you.”

“You’ve… B-been-”

“Hansen, for fuck’s sake, can I kiss you, who knows how long I’ve been waiting for th-”

And suddenly Jared had landed himself in pure bliss, because Evan’s lips were softer than he had ever imagined, and he was floating on cloud nine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY long time no see!!!! i hope you enjoyed this i took forever to write it even though its short, i wanted it to be twice this length but vee convinced to just upload it already if i liked it so i did!!! i might edit it later but for right now im just glad to have a chapter i can actually upload for yall lol  
> as always, kudos, comments, etc mean the world to me!!
> 
> Edit: unfortunately I've decided to end it here because I'm not motivated to write anymore, but I hope you all enjoyed it!


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